You couldn’t write a more scandalous story if you tried. A story that goes deep…deep into the belly of darkness, from which many never return. It reads like a passage from the Godfather; pay-offs, back-handers, and seemingly ‘innocent’ players that stretch all the way to the timekeeper himself. There comes a moment in every boy’s life when he has the choice to take the right path…or the wrong path. To stay true to himself, or to abandon his own morals in the pursuit of glory. This is a chilling story of Good vs Evil. And sadly………evil won.

It all began on an innocent Sunday morning, north of Auckland, amongst the idyllic fringes of the magical Woodhill Forest. The ever-popular Motomuck Two-Man event kicked off for 2022 and as most of you will know, the only thing on everyone’s mind was the wager. Formed between the two class-leading protagonists, you might even argue that this accord between Damon the Road Block and Brandon the Grammar Nazi, against Jono BAM-BAM and myself the Old Timer, was what the people came to see – overshadowing all else that day. You might even say, this was the match-up of the year.

But what began as a friendly bit of fun between friends quickly turn into what can only be described as complete anarchy and deception – the likes of which have never been seen in our sport, nor do we pray will ever rear its ugly head ever again.

Approximately an hour before the race was to start, Jono came to me with some spine-tingling information that he had heard rummaging silently throughout pit lane. It was speculated that money had changed hands that morning, and there was to be some disparity in the starting positions of the race. Allegations that our team was to start off the back, while our foes, the ring leaders in this scenario, were to enjoy a front-row spot. I immediately brushed off the rumour as I knew deep down in my heart of hearts, that this simply could not be true. I knew these two stand-up lads wouldn’t commit such a hideous act, and I also knew that the incredible Silver-Bullet fox himself would never allow his palms to be greased in such a filthy manner.

But as it turned out, I knew nothing…

An artist impression of the difference in starting grids.

Heading towards the start line I saw sniggers and smirks from everyone in pit lane, as if there was an inside joke that everyone was in on except me. And that joke came to fruition as I watched our competition tear off into the bush – a full two rows ahead – leaving me with 15 riders to pass, before even getting a chance at fighting for victory. Oh, the battle was on alright, it was potentially the biggest handicap ever experienced in the world of amateur sport. But if there were two guys who could surmount a challenge worthy of champions, it was BAM-BAM and Grandpa.

I started the race about 4-hours back from our competition and started plugging away as best I could. Getting the jump off the start was crucial and resulted in passing 5 riders instantly, leaving another 9 to wrangle before getting our shot at the now nick-named Terrible Two. Lap one was the hardest, as it was clear the conspiracy ran deep, as I tried to pass the slower riders as I swiftly caught up to them in the bush. Seemingly road blocking me at every turn required me to get creative with my passing and pitting my own life in danger. After spending probably 38 minutes trying to get around a slower rider, a managed to get a wheel on him, punt him off the track and make the pass stick. Right before he endoed into a tree, I swear I heard him yell out “You’ll never catch them sucker!” And unfortunately, he was right.

Jono came up against the same brick walls as I, but being the gladiators we are, we persevered right until the very end, managing to claw our way back from 4-hours down to just a mere three and a half minutes. Probably the greatest comeback in the history of the sport. A real David and Goliath event, except if someone had swapped out David’s sling for a packet of marshmallows.

And after all the hamstrings, we still managed to take Brandon’s head CLEAN OFF in the lap time battles as the Huntly native had nothing for BAM-BAM and the Old Timer. We won’t mention Damon’s contribution though – he was going pretty fast – or so I have heard.

The track was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. But it was the camaraderie and friendship that got us through. And not being ones to bitch and moan about anything, we take the loss on the chin and re-group for Round 2, where all going to plan, karma will rear its ugly head and strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. Or, it might not.

Either way, this day will live on in history as a day of remembrance…the day two stand-up guys were ousted by two fast kids. Remember this day. For it may not be the last.

You can watch all the drama, rivalry and action unfold at Round 2 of the Motomuck Two-Man on Sunday 24 July at Woodhill Forest. You don’t want to miss it.

Everything you read in this article is 100% completely factual, apart from the bits that aren’t.